*Who I used to know. (Grammar is important.)
The best part about the internet is that you get to show the world whatever version of yourself that you want.
Whatever you choose to post is all people will usually see. If they’re just your followers on Twitter, readers of a blog, or even friends on Facebook, they’ll still only see what you want them to. It’s all up to you.
That makes it so easy to post things that present us in the best light. It’s easy to post things that are awesome, or make us happy, or move us. It’s easy to talk about our achievements, or judge other people for theirs.
The problem is that at some point, there can be a disconnect between what we choose to show people and what might actually be going on.
That’s how I feel about myself right now.
People who follow what I do online might know about my accomplishments and the things that I have created, but they don’t know how I feel. It’s hard to infer that through writings online. People who see me in person may have noticed some things have been different about me, but I can’t know what other people are thinking.
I don’t feel right.
That’s the easy way to say it.
The next part is hard, so I’ll work up to it.
I’ll describe my room to you. It’s normally quite organized and clean. Now, there are papers all over the floor from school: notes and handouts that I should be studying in preparation for my exams this week but haven’t looked at. My clothes are on my chair and the floor. I need to do laundry; I have for a while. There are four pizza boxes next to my computer because literally all I’ve eaten in the past few days is pizza and perogies. I haven’t actually gone to the grocery in about a month and a half, although I did pick up some bread at one point. My desk is a mess. There are a couple of assignments that I need to finish. Thinking about finishing them just makes me feel awful for not having done them in the first place, so I can’t start.
It takes most of my willpower to get out of bed. Sometimes it takes until one in the afternoon. Hopefully that doesn’t happen on a school day. That’s only happened once. I didn’t want to email and lie and say I was sick. My parents taught me that I should never lie, but I was too embarrassed to say that I was too sad to get out of bed, which made me feel worse, so I just stayed there until I had to get up to go to the bathroom. I still need to talk to my instructors, which makes me anxious, so I keep putting it off, which I know is making things worse, but that makes me more anxious. It’s a vicious cycle.
This feels like a Reddit post on /r/depression. I thought about posting there but to be honest I just want people I actually know to know how I feel without having to tell them in person. I simultaneously want and would hate for people to feel sorry for me.
Before, when I woke up in the morning I would look at myself in the mirror and think that I was pretty hot shit. Now I just feel like shit.
Some days are cool, but most of the time, I smile less, laugh minimally and just kind of float through them. I don’t feel the way I know that I should.
I’d like to apologize to anyone I’ve blown off or ignored or let down. It’s hard to leave my room sometimes. I hate that that’s the reason.
Normally, the version of me that posted on the internet was very similar to the real life version of me. Now, the internet version of me wants you to watch a video montage I made for school with a song I wrote. No one on the internet wants to spend all their time reading about depressed people. Thanks to my lovely friends who were involved with the video.
